Do you find yourself trying to please all the people round you all the time? What is the cost of this? This links to understanding our emotional rest needs.
People pleasing is a common experience for many. It might be that saying no to requests for help is really hard, or that you are the default person that others rely on for support.
Maybe it is a fear of being let down, or judged by others that prevents you from being able to fully express how you feel.
All of these are lived experiences that we go through in life. And they take their toll, leading us to emotional fatigue.
On our musings on the Seven types of rest that we need, as identified by Dr Dalton-Smith, this is
Emotional rest.
Emotional rest is when we are in a safe space in which we can authentically and completely express how we feel without fear of judgement. We are with emotionally safe people and feel able to fully express ourselves without having to manage or worry about anyone else’s emotions. And we do not have to hide any parts of us away for fear of what others think or causing offence.
Emotional management can be hard work and tiring. When we are curating what we say for fear of upsetting someone else, or are not able to fully express how we are so work to keep part of ourselves hidden, this takes a toll on our energy levels. This is not necessarily our day-to-day experience, but there are times in life when this is the reality of our relationships. We can stop and notice the emotional toll of this, and understand our need for emotional rest.
It is important that we have a few people – may only be one or two – in our lives with whom we can be fully ourselves. People that allow us space, time and the validation to safely delve into the deepest recesses of our hearts and minds and let out all that might be lurking there. When we need to process how we are and be fully ourselves without masks or filters, it is important that we have a safe space to go.
Who are those people for you? For whom are you that person? How can you make time for them when needed?
Emotional rest links closely to the fifth type of rest:
Social rest.
The idea of taps and drains in relationships is a well recognised one: some people are like taps, that pour into us and bring energy and life. Others are like drains, sucking the energy out of us and taking more than they give from the relationship.
There is no judgement here because inevitably, there are hard and challenging times in our own lives when we have been drains on our friends. Equally, there are times when we are doing more of the giving and pouring out.
As with everything in life, it is important to stop and become aware of what is going on and what we need.
If we are the ones doing most of the giving in most of our relationships, then we need social rest. We cannot keep giving out unless we are also being poured into. If the people round about us are depleting our emotional and social batteries, more sleep is not going to bring us the rest we need. This might be a particular season of challenge, for us or for those we love that we are supporting.
This is not wrong or something we should or can avoid. But it might be that we are wise in limiting the time with people who are draining, negative or toxic and actively seeking out time with energy-giving positive people.
All of this can feel like so much noise. Noise in our heads, hearts, and souls. This leads into the sixth kind of rest,
Sensory rest.
It might be that this is a kind of rest that you did not realise that you had such need for.
Space. Quiet. A break from the constant auditory and visual noise of our modern lives. There is sensory stimulation everywhere we go, compounded by access to the infinity source that is the phone in our pocket. We are too often scripted to keep going, utilising every moment of our time to the full. So we walk whilst listening to a podcast or talking on the phone. We catch up with social media in the supermarket checkout queue. Music or YouTube or Netflix are constant background companions.
None of these things are wrong. But it might be that our senses have become frazzled and heightened and we crave stillness and quiet. This links back to mental rest – none of these rest needs are in isolation.
Sensory rest is about deliberately depriving ourselves of sensory input. We choose to switch off the noise, silence the conversation (perhaps including the one in your own head), give our eyes a rest from screens and visual stimulation.
That stillness need only be a few minutes. Perhaps five minutes in the morning sitting quietly looking out the window with a first cup of coffee, watching the light change. Maybe standing in the queue simply letting our minds wander at will. Or going for a walk and listening to the sounds around us, tuning in to the birds.
Whatever it is, giving our frazzled and overloaded senses and emotions a little breathing space is much needed.
What does that mean for you today?